The world of chess was plunged into controversy last night after the FIDE President, Kirsan Illunatic, unveiled his plans for a new system of deciding the world championship. Instead of the traditional 24 game match between champion and challenger, the title will instead be decided by a 5 minute blindfold kriegspiel knockout tournament to be held in Elista, the capital of the Russian republic of Kalmykia (President: K. Illunatic). The tournament, which will be open to any player with an international rating of 2005 who owns more than 2 hectares of yak-grazing land, will boast a prize fund of 500 million dollars, which is being put up by the sponsor, Kalmyk Enterprises Limited (Chairman and Managing Director: K. Illunatic).

At a press conference given in a Bedouin tent in central Kazakhstan last night, Illunatic denied that he was trivialising the world championship. ‘This will be a contest to find the best player in the chess world’, insisted the Yakshagger [surely flamboyant FIDE President’? -Ed.]. ‘Whoever wins the title will have proved himself worthy to marry the youngest daughter of the Chief Elder of the Kalmyk Tribal Council (K. Illunatic) and I will personally present him with the traditional trophy of a stuffed yak’s head soaked in bull’s urine…’ [at this point the press conference was interrupted as the President was carried from the room by several men wearing white coats]

Kirsan Illunatic is 17.